Saturday, December 12, 2015

One Sixth Complete

Two weeks down, ten to go.
The exhaustion is still a major issue. 
My oldest brother asked if that means I sleep really well...
The answer is nope. I sleep terribly.

This afternoon, I had super-crazy dreams, which I think is a good thing, because there's a theory that the proper way for trauma to be processed is in dreams. The interesting thing is that the dream I had was of being in Germany and meeting another family who spoke Hebrew. 

This really happened.

Before I was 18 months old. 

I suppose it's more likely that my mind is working on my siblings' stories - Part of the story is that the other family was also an American family who spoke Hebrew and somehow each set of parents made such a big deal about the others speaking Hebrew that neither set of kids realized that the others spoke English. Just weird to be processing a story I only heard bits and pieces of.

Other parts of the dream make more sense to me - the common one (for me) about looking for a bathroom and not finding one (meaning I really need a bathroom but can't wake up to get to one). There was scenery reminiscent of places I went in my childhood, stuff like that. Plus just some weird junk thrown in because that's how dreams work. 

Anyway, I think that the absolute crushing pain has settled a little, and now it's more about the exhaustion. My mood is better, but music is deadly right now. Every song triggers something, and there's a lot of crying. The music for the play I'm in is one exception - since it's all new, I only have associations with current things and current friends, and it's all "clean" in my head. 

I'm trying 80's music now, and it's both painful and cathartic. Catharsis is good, right?

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